Letter to Sebastian Jaya – Almost 4!

To dear Sebastian Jaya,

My dear little man, yet again, six months has passed us by since I last sat down to write a letter to you. I’m afraid it has been a very difficult time over these last few months hence I haven’t found the time or the words to write to you.

For we experienced a very long, dark and cold Winter, which saw your Pop-Pop become very ill and in and out of hospital so many times. It was a time full of so much worry along with so many tears. And just as we were coming out of Winter and into Spring, we lost your Pop-Pop.

It broke my heart into a million pieces to have to tell you that your Pop-Pop has gone to Heaven. A difficult concept for anyone to grasp but you, my little man, just a babe and already experiencing the most difficult of lessons in life that of losing someone you love. This has been really hard for me. But you, Sebastian, have been there right beside me through the nightmare roller-coaster ride that we’ve been on over the last few months.

On the day of your Pop-Pop’s funeral, you were there sitting on my knee as they lowered your Pop-Pop into the ground. You, giving me all the strength I needed to get through such a difficult and heart breaking day.

Its been you, Sebby, who has been my little shining light through all this darkness.

Every day you think of your Pop-Pop and say “Pop-Pop is in the Heaven” {you’ve been so used to saying; “Pop-Pop is in the hospital”} and I have to fight hard to hold back the tears. You’ve been carrying your new Coles truck around with you for weeks because you want to show Pop-Pop, you keep saying “Show Pop-Pop Sebby’s Coles truck”. Each time this breaks my heart a little bit more. For I know that your Pop-Pop would be looking down on you with a smile; as you hold your Coles truck tightly tucked under your arm.

I’m finding it hard to find the words to express how I’m feeling right now. It all still feels very raw. And I know you know that Mama has not been herself for a very long time. I’m so sorry, Sebby, that life has been so complicated lately and filled with so much sadness.

As difficult as these last few months have been, one thing that I am grateful for is that you got to spend a lot of time with your Gran and Pop-Pop, and I know this was very precious for both of them and for me too. To see you with your grandparents {my mum and dad} is so very special to me, these are the moments I will hold onto forever.

Riding Mama’s old trike.

One day, we will sit down and I will tell you all about your Pop-Pop. He was a man of great strength and courage, and had a wonderful sense of humour. All very good traits to have in life. I will tell you this though; you had a special bond with your Pop-Pop and you share his love of trams.

Tram Museum – Melbourne

I guess in time, as you grow older, you won’t remember your Pop-Pop but I will try my very best to remind you of what a special man your grandfather was and also how much he loved you, Seb. I also promised your Pop-Pop that I would try to teach you the values that he has taught me and this is how your Pop-Pop will live on in both of our hearts and lives.

With broken hearts we find ourselves in the beginnings of Spring, and I am trying hard to look around me and find joy in the little things; the pretty blossoms coming out, the clear night skies and the dragonflies and butterflies flittering about in the sunshine.

But the one thing that is really giving me joy, is you my little Sebby, you are the only thing giving me strength and helping me smile and laugh through my tears. For you are making me be in the moment, rather than my mind drifting too far away.

Over Winter, you grew so much. Here’s a few monthly photos.

In the last month or so, your language has come on so much, you chatter all day long, non-stop. You have developed a lot of new vocabulary and your sentences are more fluid. You like to give a running commentary of everything that’s going on. And as much as I love to hear you chattering, it can really do my {introvert} head in some days. But I still love you anyway, Sebby. It does thrill me to see your language developing so rapidly.

You are obsessed with reading and spelling at the moment. You ask me to constantly spell words for you. Your spelling is becoming quite good too. You can sound out and spell words such as; Sebby, train, truck, tram, bus, car, cat, dog, big, bat….so many three letter words. You’ve been working your way through the Reading Eggs Program, which has helped immensely.

When we travel to see your Gran and Pop-Pop, you spell out all the station names. You’ve also memorised most of the stations in order from Flinders Street out to the end of the train line. That brain of yours is constantly working overtime; you want to know what everything is and how to spell it.

You love reading too. You’ve recently been obsessed with Dr. Seuss books especially; Fox in Socks and Dr. Seuss’ ABC. Although, at the moment you absolutely LOVE ‘We’re Going on a Bear Hunt’ which you’ve also pretty much memorised. {Thank you Aunty Chris, a 3rd birthday present coming into play just recently.}

You also love your Hot Wheel cars, Monster trucks, trams, buses, trucks and construction vehicles. Always getting them out, lining them up, counting them, playing with them and crashing them all up in a pile. Go figure! 😉

Just the other week, I received an email to say that you have been accepted into 4 year old kindergarten in 2020. Oh. My. Goodness. All the feels, my little Sebby. The time is almost here, for you to go out into the big wide world and begin schooling. I feel sad but also excited for you to make some little friends and have peers to play and learn with, AND you are SO ready for it. Next year is going to be a big year for you. For both of us, really. I feel this urgency within me to make the most of every moment over the next few months in the lead up to the end of the year.

And although we’ve had a sad and difficult time lately, we have one thing to look forward to and that is your FOURTH birthday, Seb! I can hardly believe it! FOUR! Really?! I’ve been trying to keep busy with researching ideas for your birthday cake. Your Dada and I have some grand plans in place, we’ll see how we go with that. We also have most of your presents stashed away! I’m excited for your special day and so grateful I have this to look forward to and focus on. I cannot wait to see your face when you open your presents.

So, my little man, we have been on quite the rollercoaster ride this year, with a lot of sadness and tears. I know you have seen me shed tears far more often than you should have. This is life I’m afraid, as raw as it is but amongst those sad times there are also happy times to look forward to too! Life goes on, even when loved ones are missed dearly, we must keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going on. I am doing this for you, Sebby.

And…I’ll be holding on tightly to all the memories I have deep in my heart of my life with my Dad and the four years you had with your Pop-Pop…and all the special times we had together because life will never be the same again.

The next time I write to you, Sebby, you’ll be 4 years old, a big boy. Wow, how the time really has flown by making my Mama heart ache ever so much. If only it would all slow down just a little bit. I’m going to be soaking up every second of the next couple of weeks!

I love you my little Sebby, you really have no idea how much you are holding me up, right now. I don’t know what I would do without you my dear little man. You are my shining light and I love you more than all the stars in the sky. And I know your Pop-Pop is going to be watching over you always from “the Heaven”.

Love always and forever, Mama xxx

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